Hello.  This anger inside me has now begun to fester into sin. It not that it hasnt done this before,(all my life). I have just been able to put it away so I dont notice it and thus believe that it is out of Gods sight. My wife asked me a question Sunday night as I helped her with her Bible study, is my worship always pleasing to the Lord or do I know when it is not? I answered her that I do know for I had only gone through the motions at Saturday nights service, for like all sin, it causes seperation.

  This time it start with a responce from my sister. Some of the many things said is how can I call myself a Christian, when i wont forgive my father, that my disrespecting and judging him are wrong and is driving him away from the Lord. At first, once again I went thru the whole roller coaster ride of anger thinking about a father that took no joy in me as a child. So many bad memories and no good ones. I remember once coming home as a teenager to find my litlle brother crying the type of cry that no child should cry, my father had told him he didnt like him. Now as a father I look back at his and my childhood and I hate myself when any of him rises up in me and the way i sometimes treat my son. My little brother killed himself drunk driving.

  I wonder if we just sat down and had it out would that be enough for me to forgive him,( I have never asked Christ to fix me ). He hasnt changed much and now I see my mom following him down his path that doesnt include salvation, this also fuels my anger for I have tried thru my love for him, asked him to stand up and take the lead in our family for Moms, my sisters family and his moms sake. He confesses to know God but wont turn from his own selfish and self centered ways. I wish sometimes that he would of just maned up long ago, admitted to me that he was sorry, listened to my pain and made a effort to change. As of now, I dont even desire a friendship.

  As the days go by since Saturday, I find myself more and more dwelling on this, and now most of the anger is gone and only tears are left. I cry for the pain that is still there, but mostly that I have onced again failed my Savior. It is time for Him to fix me.